How to break up with someone you live with

Breaking up with someone you’re living with

Breaking up with someone you live with is far more complex than when you’re in a dating relationship (1).

You’re likely to have built up a collection of shared assets and networks, and disentangling yourself from these may be very challenging indeed.

I suspect you’ve already considered all of this and, as a result, just shelved the whole idea of breaking up maybe more than once.

And we haven’t even mentioned the emotional impact of a breakup yet.

Breaking up with someone you live with can also be made more difficult if:

• You’re engaged to be married, and wedding preparation is already underway.
• You’ve tried leaving before, but – for whatever reason – you couldn’t go through with it.
• You’re still on the fence and don’t know if breaking up is the right thing to do.

I’m a professional couples therapist with 24 years’ experience under my belt. Believe me – I understand the challenge you’re facing!

So, I’ve written this article to help you navigate this difficult situation.

I’ll take you step-by-step through what you need to do.

First, I’d like you to read my article on when to break up. Then we’ll dive in and deal with the most common practicalities you’ll have to face.

Here’s an interactive quiz to help you discover your next step…

Do you really need to break up?

Have the two of you grown apart? Have you simply fallen out of love with your partner, or are you in love with someone else? Are you no longer attracted to your partner?

Whatever the reason for your decision to end the relationship, I hope I can encourage you, at least at this point, to take a step back for a moment.

Many relationships do need to end, but just as many good relationships are abandoned unnecessarily.

You're considering a huge step - leaving your partner whilst you're living together - so before we carry on…

While you're feeling relatively calm, give yourself some space to think about your answers to the following questions:

• Have you done all you can to make the relationship work?
• How much is your partner aware that things weren't going so well?
• Have the two of you discussed your relationship problems, or have you been arguing constantly?
• Have you already mentioned you want to break up?
• Have you tried to make changes to deal with your relationship issues?
• Has your partner done the same?
• Have you considered taking a break instead of breaking up?

If the answer to any of those questions is no, here's what I'd like you to do next before you go through with the breakup:

1. Use my Marriage Compatibility Test to determine the actual state of your relationship, including - importantly - what you still have together to fight for.
2. Use my Communication Kit for Happy Couples. You'll find a ton of quizzes and tools to help you breathe new life into your relationship.
3. Read my series of articles on how to make your partner love you again to check if there's anything else you can do.
4. Consider getting online relationship advice for yourself (or together) before you go ahead. Personal or couples therapy can help you address the problems or prepare you for the breakup. Alternatively, you may be fortunate enough to have a wise, non-judgmental person in your circle of friends and family who can help you with good relationship advice.

Are you engaged to be married?

If so, how far along are the preparations for the wedding?

I understand that breaking up might now seem impossible, especially if wedding prep is in full swing. Doubtless, you're worried about the potential backlash from cancelling the wedding.

But the fact that you've found yourself on this page means alarm bells are clearly ringing loudly for you!

So, the most important question now is: can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with your partner? 

If the answer is "no, " you know you're not in the right relationship. I know it will be tough on everyone, but cancelling the wedding will cause far less grief in the long run than going ahead to avoid the short-term upset. 

How to break up with someone you live with

Should you consider taking a break?

It may be worth discussing whether taking a break might be a good way forward. It could give you both a chance for quiet contemplation and re-evaluation.

Maybe you just need a little time alone to help you figure out everything you're dealing with right now. 

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

It may well do. A trial separation may make you realise what you stand to lose if you were to break up now. Or, it makes you realise that it is over. The break can make the final cut more bearable.

If you go down this route, ensure you're doing it for the right reasons. Don't be tempted to take a break in the hope your partner will suddenly want you more.

Trying to get them to fall in love with you by a temporary break is a manipulative way to try and get them to change.

It might also keep your partner's hopes that you will get back together again alive.

If you know there's no chance of that, take a deep breath, be brave and honest, end your relationship now and take the flack.

Naturally, your partner will hurt, but they'll recover much quicker than when you string them along. That is if they weren't ready to break up also!

How to break up with someone you live with if you are in an abusive relationship

If your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, you must be extremely careful when breaking up. There's a chance that the breakup may trigger a desire for revenge.

Therefore, the only responsible advice I can give you here is to point you to my article on the signs of an abusive relationship.

You'll find a list with links to organisations ready to offer help or information at the end of the article.

Make sure you get all the support you need to get safely out of this relationship.

How not to break up when you're living together

Here's what not to do when you've decided to end your relationship.

5 things to avoid when breaking up with someone you live with

1. Don't change the locks. You first need legal advice. See: How to find a divorce lawyer.
2. Don't run away with the children (although this may have to be an option if you're in an abusive relationship). See: How to break up with a child involved (opens in a new tab)
3. Don't resort to stonewalling (being silent and ignoring your partner) or being nasty in the hope your partner will initiate a breakup.
4. Don't pretend all is well and then suddenly leave without an explanation.
5. Don't let the status quo continue (DO take positive action!).

The above are all disrespectful to yourself and your partner. And they'll make the whole situation even more unpleasant and difficult for everyone involved, including your kids.

If possible and appropriate, leaving someone you live with needs to be done with kindness and consideration.

Leaving your partner or spouse for someone else?

Breaking up with someone you live with while having an affair

Are you already in love with someone else? Are you having an affair with that person? If so, is your partner aware?

Why is this important?

Well, if you're already in love with or seeing someone else, your partner won't be at their most cooperative when ending your relationship.

There's no ideal solution to this scenario. So, the best thing to do may be to be honest and stay calm.

"Easier said than done", you may think, and you're right.

Breaking up with someone you live with is never going to be easy, particularly not if they discover you've been unfaithful. But, let's face it - your soon-to-be-ex will likely find out anyway.

Here are some ideas on what you can do, though.

What to do

Tell your partner why you want to break up and allow space for them to express their feelings. You'll just have to ride the storm. Don't defend, don't get angry - it's too late for all that.

Here are some examples of what you could say:

"I totally get that you're angry, as I would be too if I was in your shoes. I just wish I wasn't the cause of your anguish." (I hope you could genuinely feel like that)

"I can see how much this is hurting you. And I'm sorry, but I know breaking up is the right thing to do - for both of us."

What not to do

Don't become self-righteous or make yourself out to be the victim.

You may have had reasons to find love elsewhere, but your partner is unlikely to accept those as excuses. All that will happen is you'll inflame the situation and face a messier, more drawn-out breakup.

Your finances when breaking up with someone you live with

Considering your financial situation before you break up

Consider - and plan for - the financial implications of ending your relationship. Depending on your circumstances, you might need to get legal advice.

You might have to think about expenses associated with:

• Child maintenance
• Property division
• Establishing a new home for yourself or maintaining the existing family home if your partner moves out
• Transport
• Court fees if you need legal intervention during the separation.

I hope the two of you can bring yourselves to negotiate fairly and peaceably. Not only will that save money, but it'll dramatically reduce the stress you're already under because of the breakup.

Here's how you can start sorting out your finances:

Step 1

Make a list of all joint insurance policies, credit/store cards, banks and savings accounts so you can see exactly what you're dealing with.

Highlight the things that need your immediate attention. Take action immediately if your partner runs up bills on joint credit cards and bank accounts. For further information, see the Money Advice Service.

Step 2

Make a list of any debts you've incurred, e.g. credit cards, store cards, overdrafts, loans, rent arrears, outstanding bills and mortgage payments etc.

Separate your debts and prepare to discuss how you'll divide the remainder with your partner, if possible. Better still, consult with a legal adviser, particularly if you have a mortgage.

Step 3

Explore alternative accommodation (get legal advice first).

Decide how much it will cost you to live on your own with the help of a budget planner. Here's one from the National Debtline. Remember to take into account your part in paying off any debts.

If you've secretly set money aside in preparation for the breakup, you might want to take a peek at my article Your partner is lying to you about money.

Let's talk about how to end your relationship with your live-in partner next.

How to break up with someone you live with

You'll have to pluck up the courage three times to tell loved ones you're breaking up.

What to say to whom

1. Plan how to tell your partner. I've got you! You'll find examples of what to say in several articles. Start with: How to break up your marriage in 3 steps. Scroll down to Step 2 to learn what you can tell someone you live with.
2. Tell your kids - preferably together. Don't forget to inform their school and friends' parents.
3. Tell friends and family. See below.

How to deal with family and friends when you're breaking up with someone you live with

I suspect that telling your friends and family isn't high on your list right now. However, I highly recommend you carefully consider what to do about shared family and friends.

Why?

• You're likely to bump into them. Awkward!
• You might need or want their support and friendship - perhaps at least from some.
• If not, you may still want to continue to see them (family gatherings, parties, etc.). 
• Or you might have no choice but to keep seeing them if they're important to your children. In which case, you must let your children know they're not letting you down or doing anything wrong if they want to stay in touch with friends or extended family members. Even if you've chosen to avoid them.
• Family and friends may feel the need to choose between you and your partner, though much depends on how you handle the situation.
• Many couples get back together months or years later or become casual or even firm friends. So you might want to think twice about what you say to friends and family you may meet again in the future under different circumstances!

How to deal with family and friends when you're breaking up with someone you live with

This probably isn’t high on your list right now. However, I highly recommend you carefully consider what to do about shared family and friends.

• You're likely to bump into them. Awkward!
• You might need or want their support and friendship - perhaps at least some of them
• If not, you may still want to continue to see them (family gatherings, parties, etc.). 
• Or you might have no choice but to keep seeing them if they’re important to your children. In which case, it’s vital that you let your children know that they’re not letting you down or doing anything wrong if they want to stay in touch with them
• Family and friends may feel the need to choose between you and your partner, though much depends on how you handle the situation
• Many couples get back together again months or years later, or become casual or even firm friends (I know - it may surprise you!). So you might want to think twice about what you say to friends and family that you might encounter again in the future under different circumstances!

What to do

• Make a list of shared family and friends.
• For those you have little contact with - send a card or an email with a few words about the breakup.
• For those closer to you - ask when you can talk to them undisturbed (without children nearby), either in person or on the phone/Skype. I'd suggest a gentle lead-in such as: "I wonder if you've been aware of our difficulties..."
• Just acknowledge their reactions, whether or not you understand or agree with them. You don't have to defend or justify - or offer comfort, for that matter!

What not to do

• Don't say anything negative about your partner. It's best not to make any assumptions at this stage about who your friends and family are likely to support (even among your own family). Also, if you and your partner do get back together, you wouldn't want your partner's relationship with anyone in your social circle to be compromised by what you allowed to slip post-breakup.
• Don't allow yourself to be led into a heated discussion.
• Say something like:
• "I know that this is difficult for you".
• "Of course, I can hear/see you're upset/angry/disappointed/worried..."

But remember: you don't have to defend or justify your actions or decisions to anyone!

How to break up with someone you live with

Work together to split up your possessions

I know... it can be a difficult and sad task! :-(

Once you've had the "it's over" conversation, don't expect your partner to be ready to negotiate on possessions the next day or the following week.

6 tips to make the dividing property as easy as possible

1. Act fast, if possible - agree to spend no longer than a couple of hours on the task.
2. Agree to remain civil, and try your best not to get petty or greedy.
3. Anticipate lots of resentment and hassle (just in case), list your belongings, take photos if you want to, and discuss it all in a neutral place.
4. Label items with sticky notes with your names on them, if necessary.
5. Show your generosity of spirit and let your partner choose first, depending on circumstances and your partner's character. It's not a good idea if your partner has narcissistic tendencies or is otherwise abusive). Agree in advance you'll negotiate on things you both want, but don't be greedy!

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-together-and-breaking

Having to cope with all this is really tough. I totally understand if you're feeling overwhelmed.

I recommend, therefore, self-hypnosis to help you feel calm and in control while you're going through the breakup. 

Hypnosis, with the help of an expertly produced audio download, is a user-friendly and effective self-help tool. Hop over to my page FAQ about self-hypnosis and recommended downloads to get all the details on how it can help you.

Finally

Breaking up with someone you live with is undoubtedly difficult and painful. And it won't be sorted overnight.

So, be sure to allow sufficient time for the whole process - for your sake and your partner's (and any kids).

Separating homes, finances, possessions, and emotional ties will all take time, perseverance and hard work. But no matter how monumental the challenge may seem, know these three things:

1. You are far more capable than you probably give yourself credit for.
2. Staying in the relationship just to avoid the difficulty of separation is not a better idea!
3. Feeling depressed is normal under these circumstances. Know that it will pass.

When you want to know how to break up with someone you live with, I can only advise you to remain civil throughout if you can. And I promise you - you will get your life back on track again.

Just take it all one step at a time :-)