How to be a better husband or partner – the 7-step plan

How to become the very best husband or partner you can be

You’ve searched for how to be a better husband or partner, but let’s aim to make you the very best!

But, whatever made you come to the internet with that question, what happened? Did your partner or spouse tell you you weren’t up to scratch? Was your father or other caregivers lousy role models?

Have you been through a separation or divorce? And now you’re hoping for a second chance – with the person or someone else?

Is your family – spouse and kids – ganging up on you because you’re lacking in some way? Are you comparing yourself to someone else? Is your wife or partner having an affair? Have they threatened to leave you?

I suspect, though, that underlying your wish is the need to feel loved, valued and treasured.

Regardless of your reason for asking, let’s get you sorted!

I hope to arm you with the knowledge, skills and tips to help you take your relationship to the next level and inject it with love, light and life.

You’ll get the solutions to the following questions:

• What are the secrets of a happy marriage?
• Can I make my wife or partner love me, or love me more?
• How can I make my spouse happy? 
• What do I need to do to fix my relationship problems?

You’ll get tips and ‘secrets’ to help you become a better spouse or partner, able to play your role in building a strong and lasting relationship.

First of all, let’s dive a little deeper into your reasons for wanting to be a better spouse.

Step 1. Make sure you’re putting yourself on the line for the right reasons

Let’s look at your motivation for wanting to change how you are in your marriage.

The right reasons for wanting to be the best husband you can be are:

• You’ve met the light of your life, and you plan to get married. You want to start right.
• You’ve overcome significant personal problems, and wanting to be a better spouse is next on your list of improvements.
• You’ve set yourself the task of becoming the best version of yourself, including becoming a better husband.
• You know you’ve been lacking in your marriage. You haven’t given it your all, whether or not your spouse is threatening with separation or divorce.
• You’ve come to realise marriage is hard work, and you want to be sure you’re doing your bit to make it a success.

The wrong reason to want to change might be:

• You’re comparing yourself to someone else. Comparing and using the other as a role model would be okay, but not to beat yourself up.
• Your spouse has attention-seeking behaviour. That means that no matter how hard you try, you’re unlikely to ever be good enough in their eyes.
• Your wife has narcissistic tendencies.
• Your partner or wife is constantly criticising and undermining you.
• Your family is ganging up on you and all joining in to make you feel inferior.

The latter two make me think you might be in an abusive relationship.

If you recognise yourself in that, I’d like you to hop over straight away to my article on what to do when your wife is emotionally abusive.

So, for the rest of this article, I’m assuming you’re here for the right reasons – you’re working on your self-development. You want to contribute to a happy, healthy relationship in which your spouse or partner contributes equally.

See my article 24 healthy relationship tips.

Step 2. Giving and receiving attention

Meeting each other’s essential needs for giving and receiving attention in balance is one of the most effective ways to build a healthy relationship. It’s the secret to a happy marriage.

As human beings, our need for attention overrides any other need.

So, simply giving your partner your full attention will increase the chance of your relationship’s survival and you’re being loved and valued. That is – if it’s given freely, without expectation, and considering your partner’s willingness to engage at that moment.

There is one other caveat, though. The secret is that it has to be the kind of attention your partner values.

So, for example, showering your partner with kisses at every opportunity may feel great to you. But if it puts your spouse off, it has little value and might actually decrease the chance of physical intimacy. So don’t be surprised if this hampers intimacy rather than increases it.

Here are some tips on how to give your partner some loving attention. Choose the ones you think your spouse will love:

• Send a card now and then when your wife doesn’t expect it. It takes little effort and can have such a positive impact. I’ll help you write beautiful thank you, ‘I love you’ notes and Valentine’s messages (the latter can be used for other occasions too. (links)
• Send romantic texts.
• Leave ‘thank you’ notes with love quotes or cards in briefcases, lunch boxes, pockets etc.
• Tell your spouse what exactly you love about them and …
• Why that’s important to you, rather than just saying you love them.
• Show an interest in their day. Even if you have no interest in their work or part-time activities, it’s a small effort to listen and show you care about how they feel.
• Flirt with your partner in the way you know they appreciate (not how it suits you) – regardless of how long you’ve been together.
• Invest time and effort in novel activities, outings and experiences (this stimulates the dopamine circuit, which helps create that wonderfully exciting romantic feeling). No money? Brainstorm free ones. See my article on being bored in your relationship for ideas.
• Contribute to telling the story of your relationship in a unique journal – create a record of all the positive experiences you have together. Penzu is excellent for doing that online. Or, better still, buy a ringed binder so that you can share it with friends and family.

Don’t forget – giving each other attention implies giving generously of your – quality – time.

Step 3. How to make the right moves and avoid pulling the wrong face!

You’re communicating not just to pass on information but also to create a sense of emotional and physical intimacy, verbally and nonverbally.

Verbal and nonverbal communication overlap, but I’ll break it down a little further here.

Verbal communication happens face-to-face, via emails or texts, or by any handwritten messages as per Step 2.

Nonverbal communication can be a blessing and a curse.

Let’s look at the blessing first.

Increasing physical intimacy

For touching to really work its magic, the secret is that you please your partner.

Physical intimacy isn’t only about s*x, it’s also about being physical without it necessarily turning into having s*x.

Invest, therefore, in building your intimacy without any other expectation than to give, by way of:

• any kind of loving touch, however fleeting
• simply holding hands
• stroking and massaging
• kissing – just a kiss of a few seconds when you leave and when you’re back home can make all the difference
• cuddling
• holding, embracing.

When nonverbal communication can be a problem

5 ways nonverbal communication can prevent progress in becoming a better husband:

1. You’re making the assumption that your partner likes what you like.
   The solution: be sensitive to your partner’s needs. They may have grown up in a family where people weren’t used to being tactile (the same counts for you, of course). Or, they have other reasons why they’re not that ‘touchy, feely’.
2. You’re unaware of your spouse’s anxiety. If your spouse has been subjected to inappropriate touching or physical abuse, hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and so on may sadly induce a great deal of anxiety.
   The solution: ask questions, show interest, be sensitive, and ask what they like and need.
3. You’re withholding in your physical relationship. Your wife or partner now thinks you don’t find them attractive.
   The solution: talk to them, and share your feelings.
4. You’re angry, disappointed and hurt without expressing it. When you’re miffed for any reason, your feelings of anger will ‘leak out’ nonverbally. Your every move, such as eye-rolling, stiff mouth, and tight shoulders, will convey your displeasure.
   The solution: talk! (See further down for how).
5. You’re not turning toward your spouse when they’re talking to you. This communicates displeasure and disinterest nonverbally.

Follow the link for a ton of detailed information, tips and advice on body language.

Step 4. Sharing is caring and showing you want to be a better husband

Simple sharing is what a happy relationship is all about. It can make the mundane special, the excitement unforgettable and the distress bearable.

4 opportunities to be a better spouse by sharing

1. Share chores – to make the boring stuff ‘manageable’. Researchers studying the physical relationship of 1,300 couples discovered that men who share housework have a higher libido and better physical relationship.
2. Share new activities to stimulate the dopamine circuit in the brain. It encourages feelings of romantic love, according to Prof Helen Fisher, stimulating the testosterone circuit (in men and women) and creating the right ‘chemical’ environment for a possibly physically intimate encounter.
3. Share problems and concerns. Self-disclosure is different for men and women. Women can learn to accept that men do it differently, and men can learn from women how to create emotional intimacy. (Clearly, I am generalising here!)
4. Share quality time and attention with the help of my free Communication Tools for Couples Bundle, for example.

Step 5. Introduce and maintain a sense of humour

Oh, how a laugh can change the meaning of just about everything! Particularly, if you can laugh at yourself.

• It lightens the mood and improves circumstances simply by changing perception.
• It takes the sting out of difficult circumstances.
• It can create a sense of togetherness.

How much of a better husband and much happier would you be if your relationship had more laughter and teasing (opens in a new tab)?

In my view, humour is one of the biggest secrets of a happy relationship.

A note of caution!

Get it wrong, and you’ll achieve the opposite of what you wanted – an argument to boot!

A sense of humour can be very personal – so be sensitive to your spouse and the situation.

Also, some people are genetically predisposed to not understand the re-interpretation of ‘serious’ thought, circumstance or experience into something humorous. They tend to take everything literally and have great difficulty seeing the ‘funny side’, including teasing.

People on the autistic spectrum, including those with Asperger syndrome (opens in a new tab), fall into this category. I mention this because I’ve seen several couples where one of the partners was on the spectrum.

Step 6. Learn to deal with marital problems effectively

Learning to deal with relationship issues is a big subject and one of the most important relationship skills. It’s what my site is all about.

So, to be a better husband, I now want to help you understand, for now, the general principles of:

1. Advanced listening
2. Empathy
3. Compassion.

You’ll find details of how to deal with specific marital problems by following the links.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Anonymous

1. Advanced listening

Doubtless, you’ve heard how important communication is to any relationship, particularly listening really well.

But what is good communication, and how do you do that when you’re hopping mad, seething, not being listened to, being criticised, disappointed or hurt?

I’ve got you!

In my article on how to stop arguing in a relationship, I’ve covered advanced listening in detail, with a ton of tips and advice. By mastering the relationship skills in that article will help you for sure to be a better husband.

2. Empathy for calming stormy waters

Empathy means the ability and capacity to observe, recognise and respond to what someone else is feeling.

Trust that you were born with the ability to empathise – it’s a human given.

Empathising with your partner can be hugely comforting to them and can calm stormy waters.

Empathising during an argument, instead of saying your piece, can take the wind out of your spouse’s sails.

It requires you to learn to recognise feelings and emotions and acknowledge they’re upset, angry, hurt or disappointed! 

3. The power of compassion

Compassion is a virtue that follows from empathy.

You may not always understand what your partner is going through. You may even feel ‘put off’ by their response to adversity.

However, good things happen when you stop judging your wife or partner and simply accept that ‘it is what it is’. After all, you have no hope of changing them! You can only change yourself.

Acceptance frees you up to empathise and allows you to feel compassion. Then it’s much easier to support your spouse in ways they appreciate.

For detailed relationship advice and tips, see my article on how to be an emotionally supportive spouse. (link)

Be a better husband by learning to solve marital problems

The best spouse makes an effort to actively help solve relationship problems.

Here are the links to articles chockful of information, advice, and tips to help you deal with and find solutions for your marital issues:

• How to save your marriage from divorce
• How to fix a broken marriage
• How to fix these 18 common marital problems.

Chances are there are several overlaps among the article links, but hey ho… you can take your pick, and at least I know you’ve got what you need.

Step 7. Setting relationship goals

Take the initiative to set goals – separately and together. That means you’re working on developing your future self and your marriage.

It will help you make a better and more interesting spouse. But, more importantly, developing yourself will help build your self-esteem – another ingredient for a happy marriage.

4 ways to work with goals

1. Create and maintain an interest in your spouse’s dreams and goals.
2. Think about what you want for your personal life. You both need space and time to develop your interests.
3. Work on creating a joint goal to help you draw you closer.
4. Brainstorm a list of relationship goals – all the things you’d want for your relationship. Take the initiative!

What other ways are there to you be a better spouse?

5 other ways you can be the best husband

1. Avoiding abusive behaviour

There is no place for verbal, emotional or physical abuse in any relationship. See my article on the signs of an abusive relationship for further information.

2. Commitment

Commitment also involves loyalty and mutual trust.

You make a much better spouse if you remain loyal and refrain from cheating on your spouse. That is unless the two of you have agreed, for whatever reason, that having an affair is not a problem.

Interestingly, biological anthropologist Prof Helen Fisher maintains that the news is not that human beings have extramarital affairs but that they aim to be monogamous!

3. Supporting your spouse or partner under challenging circumstances

I’ve covered other ways of being the best spouse you can in the following articles:

• How to help your spouse with PTSD
• Helping your spouse heal from a mental breakdown
• How to deal with a spouse with OCD
• How to be a supportive husband or partner during pregnancy
• How to deal with a depressed spouse
• How to help your partner or spouse deal with anxiety
• Helping your spouse beat that shopping addiction
• The complete guide for surviving the menopause – for husbands and partners.

4. Offer genuine apologies

If you know you’ve screwed up, offer a sincere apology! Honestly, it is such an easy way to have a positive interaction with your wife or partner.

So, why not say you’re sorry in a meaningful way. It presents another opportunity to better yourself if only you get your ego out of the way.

5. Becoming the best version of yourself

As I wrote earlier on, I’d love you to become a better person for yourself first and foremost. Being happy in your own skin is much more likely to make you a better husband.

You’ll find plenty of tips and advice on how to do that in my article 19 ways to ‘make’ someone love you.

Finally

You now know how to be a better spouse or partner.

However, I also want you to realise that you can’t ‘make’ your wife or partner happy or ‘make’ anyone love you.

Instead, you can only give the very best of yourself. You’re responsible for your intent and contribution. Assuming you made a genuine effort coming from your heart, you’re not responsible for how these are received and perceived.

However, now you’ve got this far, I know you’ll do your very best to be a better spouse. I’m rooting for your happiness!